Dear Abby: My husband makes fun of my family and childhood poverty

Dear ABBY: My husband and I have been married for a long time. Our relationship is stable but difficult. I have suffered from depression since childhood and am now trying to manage it. My husband has his own problems. One of them is that he often brings up something he finds “fun” to my parents. For example, he makes fun of my dad and the house I grew up in because it wasn’t nice. This is hurtful.

I don’t appreciate my husband bringing up dad’s quirks to belittle him. When I say I don’t appreciate it, he starts yelling and telling me he’s not trying to hurt me and that I shouldn’t take it that way. Then he leaves and chokes and won’t talk to me for the rest of the day.

His behavior is getting old. It ruins things between us. If you tell someone that what they say is harmful, but they reject it, then what? Things he might think are funny aren’t always funny to me. Any tips? – NO JOKE IN OHIO

Dear NO joke: Your husband certainly has a cruel streak. He says things he knows will hurt you, blames you for feeling hurt, and then uses that as an excuse to punish you. The term for this is passive-aggressive behavior.

If you plan to stay married to this miserable person, you will have to learn to ignore his comments. When you do this, he will likely increase the frequency of his “funny” remarks. When this happens, continue to ignore it, invite a friend or two to lunch away from home or run an errand. If it gets to the point where it’s intolerable, consult a licensed marriage and family therapist or talk to an attorney about how to break free.

Dear ABBY: My wife was recently diagnosed with a partial arterial blockage. It’s not blocked enough to warrant an angioplasty or stent, so her doctors will manage it with medication and diet.

Because my wife now has a special diet she has to follow, she has told me that I can no longer eat anything in front of her that she can’t eat. I should only eat the food she eats. My health is good and I have no dietary restrictions. Is this question she is asking me fair? How do I deal with it? – CONVICTED IN ILLINOIS

HONORABLE CONVICTED: I suspect the diet you italicized may be a “healthy heart”. If so, over the past 20 years (or more) the American Heart Association has published many cookbooks that offer a variety of delicious recipes. (I know this is true because I’ve dipped my beak into a few of them.)

A heart-healthy diet doesn’t have to be difficult and can benefit you, too. If you want something your wife can’t eat, eat it somewhere else so she won’t be tempted. It’s not a big sacrifice to make and her life could depend on it. Dig deep, try, and remind yourself that this is what a supportive spouse does for the person they love.

Dear Abby was written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.